i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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