talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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