Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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