This dress was meant to end up on your floor
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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