I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize