i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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