when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
