What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
