Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
