I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
