I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
