I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
