My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
