I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
