That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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