nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
