I want to make a zoo with you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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