she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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