I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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