I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
