Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
