Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
BRING THE BAGELS
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
