I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
