just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
