y did u give ur computer a hand job?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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