drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
