Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
