idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
