FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
