So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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