my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
