So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize