I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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