In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize