i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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