Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
