A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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