Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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