between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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