i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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