btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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