i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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