The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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