wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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