he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
