why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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