So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
