i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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