the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
