you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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