i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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