I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
