It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
