So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
