Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
