you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
