I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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