Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize