You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
