Duck Duck Cougar?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
